I know what depression feels like. I've been there. I've known ten years of ups, downs and the proverbial 'see-saw' effect. Let me tell you, if anyone knows what sadness, gloom and despair looks and feels like, I DO.
What I find perplexing is that ten years ago, I dealt with my stress and anxiety in a totally different manner than I do today. I used to be afraid of my own shadow. I would avoid public places because I was afraid of being seen. I used to be overweight, and for someone who worked avidly in the fitness industry, to me, that was a major no-no. And why did I view myself so negatively, you might ask? Because I was obsessed with an image. I thought I had to look, act and behave a certain way to garner attention and admiration from others. Boy, was I wrong. If I knew in my 30's what I know today, my life would have taken on a totally different meaning. I've gone through my own version of hell and back, and I can honestly say, that if anyone reading this is experiencing any undue heartache, regret, pain or anguish for any reason, there is a way out. You have to constantly tweak your lifestyle, backwards and forwards, to find your true path. And believe me, it's the toughest road you'll ever travel.
To be frank, I've had my vices. When I was in the thick of my sadness, I used to sleep all day to avoid confrontation. I wasted a lot of time. I can only recall that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, nearly every morning, that constantly screamed, 'Stop this lunacy, Stephanie!"
My dreams are very vivid and frightening. I still have visions of myself, at my worst, out of control, without purpose. And every morning, I shrug it off--because I know I'm past all that garbage and mayhem. I'm rather proud of myself and my accomplishments, because I'm aware that I've really come a long way.
Before I settled down with the man of my dreams, I used to live on my own in a condo and frankly, I hated it. The first few years were liberating, because I relished in the idea of having my own place, but the last few years were excruciating. I really believe that a higher power had a plan designed especially for me, because he saw that I was getting really close to 'the edge'. I know it sounds a little crazy...but someone or something was watching over me.
You know what I did one morning in the midst of my despair? I stared deeply into my eyes in the mirror for a few minutes, without looking away. It was something I had never done, before. I was transfixed. What I eventually saw was a vision of myself as an older woman. It scared the crap out of me. I looked ragged, withdrawn, gaunt, withered. It was then and there that I realized my ultimate goal. I knew I had to press forward, despite my agony and hardship. I had to get out of this vortex.
And so I did. Every day, I woke up with a new-found purpose. I'd go on my laptop and begin writing daily words of wisdom on Facebook. I began to eat healthfully and drink more water than usual. I practiced yoga and stretched. I began to come out of my shell and interact with others. I went for weekly counselling. I opened my mouth and expressed my feelings; something I was afraid to do for so many decades. And you know something? With trial and error, IT WORKED.
Do a scan, right now. Are you full of fear, regret, anguish or trepidation? Do you want to change? Do you feel a tightness in your core, begging you to make a move? Guess what? That's your body and mind trying to harmonize and get on the same page. Honor that. Listen to what your gut says.
You'd better check yourself, before you wreck yourself. Speaking from experience, I know how it feels to be at the bottom of the barrel. DO NOT ALLOW YOURSELF TO SINK TO DEPTHS YOU CANNOT SWIM OUT OF. Save yourself. Talk. Open up.
You'll be glad you did. Believe me. You may not be able to see the forest through the trees yet, but eventually, your horizon will be clear, magnificent and full of blazing sunlight.
Now, off you go....
