The city of Toronto was hit by Mother Nature and Old Man Winter's wrath, recently. They decided to collaborate and leave their indelible mark on the earth, by encasing everything they touched with ice. Quite a conundrum, that something so harsh and brutal can also be so beautiful and luminous.
I decided to take my camera with me on a walk the other day, to take shots of the ice storm's aftermath. My eyes bulged and my jaw dropped as I strolled around my neighbourhood, as every tree, branch, leaf and flower bud was covered in thick ice. Everything sparkled in the sunlight. It was as if I were looking at nature with a new set of eyes. I simply marvelled at my brand new world.
At the same time, I couldn't help but be utterly thankful to the universe. I luckily had electricity and warmth during the storm, when so many of my peers and family members went without. People left their homes to seek warmth with other hospitable folks who graciously offered them shelter, hot showers, food and kindness. I heard countless stories from people who suffered from being without their 'creature comforts', while at the same time were grateful for the generosity of friends and loved ones. I always say that only when tragedy strikes, do we 'perk up our ears and eyes' and take notice of that which is truly important and valuable. Otherwise, we go about our lives taking everything for granted.
I'm writing this on Christmas Day--the time of year when friends and family all huddle together by the light of their adorned trees, with the exchange of gifts and the sharing of food and drink. It's a time of reflection. The start of a new year is quickly approaching, and with it, come the resolutions. And I say, ENOUGH. Words are one thing, action is quite another.
It took an ice storm in Toronto, the worst our city has likely seen in history, for most of us to regain appreciation for the simple things we take for granted. Internet access, cell phones, heat, electricity, television, hot food--all of these things are more valuable when we are without them, than when we have access to them. Sad, isn't it? But, that's human nature. We all do it.
Here's an idea for 2014: SIMPLY resolve to appreciate your unique life and the many gifts you already possess. If you live in Toronto, look around you and take pictures of the frozen tundra. That way when summer returns, you can really appreciate our balmy weather and the incredible beauty of our magnificent flowers and leafy trees. You can say, 'I survived the ice storm of 2013' with a smile on your face. G-d knows, that other parts of the world have had it WAY WORSE than us. Typhoons, earthquakes, tsunamis--these forces of nature are ultimately devastating.
P.S: ICE MELTS. And we will all live to see the summer of 2014. THANK GOODNESS FOR THAT.
STAY WARM, my dear readers. Happy Holidays to all. I wish you warmth and light, forever and always, and only the very best in the New Year.
Wednesday 25 December 2013
Monday 7 October 2013
BUCK UP--YOU'RE ALIVE!
This post is long overdue. So many unfortunate mishaps, events, deaths, tribulations and tragedies have encompassed the year 2013. For me and for many others, it's been a struggle at times to get out of bed and face a new dawn. When I lost my darling cousin, David Swimmer, it all became so vividly clear to me--HOLY SHIT, I'm alive, healthy, successful, vital. And if you're currently reading this, YOU ARE TOO.
I saw an incredible short film online recently called, 'COLD', that was posted by one of my pals, Moti Yona, on YouTube. Shot in Toronto, this 25 minute film accurately depicts how chilling this town really is. People don't smile, anymore. People usually stick to what they know and who they know. They get so comfortable in their mundane routines that they leave no room for new experiences. It's so rare to see genuine compassion for humanity, lately. While watching this piece, I actually shed some tears and it left me feeling sorry for the folks that inhabit my hometown.
I'm finally going to lay it on the line, folks. I will not 'sugar-coat', nor will I avoid my true feelings. As a living, breathing, fully functional woman, I have to say that life is cruel and very unkind. Occasionally, I feel utterly gripped by sadness. Losing my cousin David left an indelible mark on my soul--and it has forced me to turn over a new leaf. With autumn approaching, I feel a tangible loss; not only in my physical world, but in my spiritual existence, as well. I mourn the loss of summer because of what it represents to me--carefree days, balmy nights, relaxing in my backyard with the warm sun kissing my skin...
And now, the introduction to WINTER--the season I have to tolerate, year after year. Most assuredly, it will rear its dreary, slush-filled head. And SO WHAT? I'm alive to see it, for crying out loud. I GET TO EXPERIENCE FOUR SEASONS IN CANADA. I get to live another day. I get to work in a career that I'm in love with. I get to come home to a man that I'm crazy about. I get to spend time with my family. I get another chance every single day to be better than yesterday. And winter season or no, from now on, I'm going to put on a happy face. I'm going to thank the universe for giving me this body, this brain, this ability to live without chronic pain. ANYONE who has lost a loved one, a friend, a relative, has to realize this and thank G-d for what they have. Because sadly, it doesn't last.
IN ESSENCE, I URGE YOU TO BUCK UP. Whatever you need to do to get motivated and face a brand new day, DO IT. Don't wait for opportunities to fall into your lap. Make it happen, because you have the ability to put one foot in front of the other. You have a mouth. You have blood pumping through your veins. Life certainly may be hard, or you may have hit a rough patch, or you may be feeling depressed and/or out-of-sorts--but basically, you are breathing and HERE on earth. You get to see a sunrise. You get to see things in Technicolor. Not everyone has that luxury.
I love my life. Never have I felt so empowered. Never have I loved so deeply.
It's your turn. Start to fall in love with your life.. Sure, life sucks sometimes. But mostly, it's the sweetest gift you will ever possess. Take hold of the reins and drive your chariot to the brightest light you can find. Let everyone see you in all your glory. LIVE LIFE PASSIONATELY.
Do not hesitate to harness every ounce of goodness that comes your way, from here on out.
I saw an incredible short film online recently called, 'COLD', that was posted by one of my pals, Moti Yona, on YouTube. Shot in Toronto, this 25 minute film accurately depicts how chilling this town really is. People don't smile, anymore. People usually stick to what they know and who they know. They get so comfortable in their mundane routines that they leave no room for new experiences. It's so rare to see genuine compassion for humanity, lately. While watching this piece, I actually shed some tears and it left me feeling sorry for the folks that inhabit my hometown.
I'm finally going to lay it on the line, folks. I will not 'sugar-coat', nor will I avoid my true feelings. As a living, breathing, fully functional woman, I have to say that life is cruel and very unkind. Occasionally, I feel utterly gripped by sadness. Losing my cousin David left an indelible mark on my soul--and it has forced me to turn over a new leaf. With autumn approaching, I feel a tangible loss; not only in my physical world, but in my spiritual existence, as well. I mourn the loss of summer because of what it represents to me--carefree days, balmy nights, relaxing in my backyard with the warm sun kissing my skin...
And now, the introduction to WINTER--the season I have to tolerate, year after year. Most assuredly, it will rear its dreary, slush-filled head. And SO WHAT? I'm alive to see it, for crying out loud. I GET TO EXPERIENCE FOUR SEASONS IN CANADA. I get to live another day. I get to work in a career that I'm in love with. I get to come home to a man that I'm crazy about. I get to spend time with my family. I get another chance every single day to be better than yesterday. And winter season or no, from now on, I'm going to put on a happy face. I'm going to thank the universe for giving me this body, this brain, this ability to live without chronic pain. ANYONE who has lost a loved one, a friend, a relative, has to realize this and thank G-d for what they have. Because sadly, it doesn't last.
IN ESSENCE, I URGE YOU TO BUCK UP. Whatever you need to do to get motivated and face a brand new day, DO IT. Don't wait for opportunities to fall into your lap. Make it happen, because you have the ability to put one foot in front of the other. You have a mouth. You have blood pumping through your veins. Life certainly may be hard, or you may have hit a rough patch, or you may be feeling depressed and/or out-of-sorts--but basically, you are breathing and HERE on earth. You get to see a sunrise. You get to see things in Technicolor. Not everyone has that luxury.
I love my life. Never have I felt so empowered. Never have I loved so deeply.
It's your turn. Start to fall in love with your life.. Sure, life sucks sometimes. But mostly, it's the sweetest gift you will ever possess. Take hold of the reins and drive your chariot to the brightest light you can find. Let everyone see you in all your glory. LIVE LIFE PASSIONATELY.
Do not hesitate to harness every ounce of goodness that comes your way, from here on out.
Sunday 1 September 2013
*A Tribute to my cousin, David Swimmer*
I don't remember every detail of my cousin Lisa's wedding on Halloween night in 1999, but I do have a few wonderful snippets to draw from. I can recall my grandparents, the Mezeis, who were thriving and so happy that night. My cousin David's speech to his new bride was so moving and genuine, it brought tears to my eyes. Here's the one line that tugged at my heartstrings: "When I saw Lisa for the very first time, I knew she would be a 'Swimmer'." It was at that very moment, that envy filled my soul. Firstly, because Lisa found a guy that she met in university, who was so special and adored her so much, it was incredible. And secondly, because I desperately wanted that kind of love for myself. And I was certain back then, that I would have tremendous difficulty finding a man that would even come close to David's caliber.
David Swimmer was a dear fellow who had a smile you couldn't resist. When he would flash his bright eyes in your direction, you couldn't help but feel a true connection to him. Quite frankly, his heart was made of platinum--he loved his friends and his family so much, it was tangible. And if you spoke to him, his attention would be only on you, focused and alert. His personality was warm, and he never judged you. I liked his demeanour--he was always a gentleman.
David and Lisa have two beautiful boys named Noah and Dylan, ages 7 and 3, respectively. Noah has a smile just like his Dad and little Dylan looks a lot like Lisa. They are so precious and sweet. I find it hard to imagine that these boys won't have their father in their lives as they grow up. But, I feel very strongly that Lisa is going be the kind of mother that most women will want to emulate.
On September 16th of this year, David would have been 39 years old. It weighs heavily on my heart that just shy of his 40th year, he left us all. Two and half years ago, when it was revealed that David had cancer, it was a major shock to our whole family that such a divine human being could be struck with this kind of bad luck. Lisa was certainly tested through the entire ordeal, as she and David had many ups and downs during their many hospital visits. She had no choice but to have an 'iron will', and draw strength from her family and close friends. But, she stuck like glue to David's side, never wavering, never 'throwing in the towel'.
At David's funeral a few days ago, I started to shake uncontrollably. It was a sensation that I had never felt before. At that moment, I had only one thought--the words that David uttered to Lisa at their wedding. The envy that I felt so strongly in 1999 was replaced with such sorrow and regret in 2013. I desperately wanted more time to get to know David on a deeper level.
When I got married in September of 2011, David wasn't well enough to make an appearance, and that always made me very sad. My aunt Susan once said that my husband Jason reminded her of David--that Jason was a sweet, devoted man who loved me so much, it was obvious to everyone. Her observation made my heart soar. It was my ultimate wish to find a man who would love me and accept my idiosyncrasies--and I found him.
Life is so cruel, sometimes. I always question the universe when bad things happen to the best people. I really want to know the lesson that we're supposed to learn in David's passing. I desperately want to know why G-d decided it was David who would be plagued with cancer at such a young, vital age. Perhaps those reasons will show themselves, in time. But, it doesn't take away the hurt and anguish that my sweet Lisa and the rest of the Young/Swimmer family, will have to endure.
Dearest David Laurie: I love you, my sweet cousin. I'm so very sorry that this happened to you. Your entire circle of friends, your doting family, your precious wife and children will miss you terribly. Your smile will forever be etched in our minds, may your body and soul be free from pain. May G-d protect you and keep you safe. You are a beautiful boy and I will never forget you.
David Swimmer was a dear fellow who had a smile you couldn't resist. When he would flash his bright eyes in your direction, you couldn't help but feel a true connection to him. Quite frankly, his heart was made of platinum--he loved his friends and his family so much, it was tangible. And if you spoke to him, his attention would be only on you, focused and alert. His personality was warm, and he never judged you. I liked his demeanour--he was always a gentleman.
David and Lisa have two beautiful boys named Noah and Dylan, ages 7 and 3, respectively. Noah has a smile just like his Dad and little Dylan looks a lot like Lisa. They are so precious and sweet. I find it hard to imagine that these boys won't have their father in their lives as they grow up. But, I feel very strongly that Lisa is going be the kind of mother that most women will want to emulate.
On September 16th of this year, David would have been 39 years old. It weighs heavily on my heart that just shy of his 40th year, he left us all. Two and half years ago, when it was revealed that David had cancer, it was a major shock to our whole family that such a divine human being could be struck with this kind of bad luck. Lisa was certainly tested through the entire ordeal, as she and David had many ups and downs during their many hospital visits. She had no choice but to have an 'iron will', and draw strength from her family and close friends. But, she stuck like glue to David's side, never wavering, never 'throwing in the towel'.
At David's funeral a few days ago, I started to shake uncontrollably. It was a sensation that I had never felt before. At that moment, I had only one thought--the words that David uttered to Lisa at their wedding. The envy that I felt so strongly in 1999 was replaced with such sorrow and regret in 2013. I desperately wanted more time to get to know David on a deeper level.
When I got married in September of 2011, David wasn't well enough to make an appearance, and that always made me very sad. My aunt Susan once said that my husband Jason reminded her of David--that Jason was a sweet, devoted man who loved me so much, it was obvious to everyone. Her observation made my heart soar. It was my ultimate wish to find a man who would love me and accept my idiosyncrasies--and I found him.
Life is so cruel, sometimes. I always question the universe when bad things happen to the best people. I really want to know the lesson that we're supposed to learn in David's passing. I desperately want to know why G-d decided it was David who would be plagued with cancer at such a young, vital age. Perhaps those reasons will show themselves, in time. But, it doesn't take away the hurt and anguish that my sweet Lisa and the rest of the Young/Swimmer family, will have to endure.
Dearest David Laurie: I love you, my sweet cousin. I'm so very sorry that this happened to you. Your entire circle of friends, your doting family, your precious wife and children will miss you terribly. Your smile will forever be etched in our minds, may your body and soul be free from pain. May G-d protect you and keep you safe. You are a beautiful boy and I will never forget you.
Tuesday 23 July 2013
Who do you want to emulate?
This past weekend, my family got together for our annual barbecue in honor of my grandmother, Nina, who will be 87 this year--wow, what a milestone. I can't believe how much she has endured in over eight decades on earth. When she was young, she raised a family of three in a very poor section of rural Russia, immigrated to Canada in '59, married twice, lost two husbands, worked in the kitchen at Baycrest Hospital for over two decades, and has outlived most of her peers and relatives. Truth be told, she looks better than ever--and she's thriving. I'm constantly amazed by her willingness to shop and cook for herself daily, and she continues to keep her social life intact by meeting friends for coffee a few times a week at the mall. Sometimes, she indulges in a glass of beer, which I find totally endearing and so cool..and that's my BUBA (meaning, doll) as I affectionately call her.
When I was a young girl, my Buba would always babysit for me and my brother when my parents went on vacation. She always let me stay up late with her to watch 'The Love Boat' and 'Fantasy Island'. Ultimately, I think she was happiest when I kept her company-- she always laughed at my jokes because I had an answer for everything. To this day, she tells me stories of what I'd say as a youngster and has pretty good recall of the exact words I used. It's quite funny.
She is my only surviving grandparent, and I must say, she's one in a million. I really want her to stick around long enough to enjoy a great grandchild and I so badly want to be the one to provide her with that joy.
I don't know anyone in my social circles who would say they've enjoyed vacationing with their grandparents, but I've been to Florida with my Buba about 5 times in the last 8 years. In a word, humbling. When your family members are around you each day for an extended period, you have no choice but to see their quirks, mannerisms, and funny routines. Over the years, my eyes have opened wider and I've grown more tolerant, patient and understanding of my grandmother. I know how lucky I am to have her around.
Which brings me to the reason I'm writing this post--if I could have my way, it would be to thrive well into my 80's and 90's, and to always maintain a positive outlook on life. I want to continue to work on a few hobbies, interact with friends and always have laughter. I want to accessorise and be color-coordinated and have my wits about me. I want to stay physically active and do my very best to stay on top of changing trends. I want to emulate my sweet grandmother in many ways--she still puts on make-up each day, she paints at her social club, she insists on making her own delicious and healthy dinners, she's adamant about living alone to this day and she loves to watch her favorite reality television programs.
More often than not, she's a lovely soul with a gentle approach to life. But like all women, she gets cranky, she tends to worry and stress out unnecessarily, she's a bit of a gossip girl and she hates to feel uncomfortable. But through it all, she's a fighter and she's shown us many times over, that she's a survivor. I adore her with all of my heart.
So, my readers: is there a person you can think of that you'd like to emulate as you get older? Someone you revere and worship because they have thrived throughout the years? My suggestion is to keep him or her in your sights and hold them forever in your heart. Give them the attention, love and respect they deserve--because someday, kid, THAT WILL BE YOU. Be someone worth emulating. It'll do your body, mind and spirit a world of good.
When I was a young girl, my Buba would always babysit for me and my brother when my parents went on vacation. She always let me stay up late with her to watch 'The Love Boat' and 'Fantasy Island'. Ultimately, I think she was happiest when I kept her company-- she always laughed at my jokes because I had an answer for everything. To this day, she tells me stories of what I'd say as a youngster and has pretty good recall of the exact words I used. It's quite funny.
She is my only surviving grandparent, and I must say, she's one in a million. I really want her to stick around long enough to enjoy a great grandchild and I so badly want to be the one to provide her with that joy.
I don't know anyone in my social circles who would say they've enjoyed vacationing with their grandparents, but I've been to Florida with my Buba about 5 times in the last 8 years. In a word, humbling. When your family members are around you each day for an extended period, you have no choice but to see their quirks, mannerisms, and funny routines. Over the years, my eyes have opened wider and I've grown more tolerant, patient and understanding of my grandmother. I know how lucky I am to have her around.
Which brings me to the reason I'm writing this post--if I could have my way, it would be to thrive well into my 80's and 90's, and to always maintain a positive outlook on life. I want to continue to work on a few hobbies, interact with friends and always have laughter. I want to accessorise and be color-coordinated and have my wits about me. I want to stay physically active and do my very best to stay on top of changing trends. I want to emulate my sweet grandmother in many ways--she still puts on make-up each day, she paints at her social club, she insists on making her own delicious and healthy dinners, she's adamant about living alone to this day and she loves to watch her favorite reality television programs.
More often than not, she's a lovely soul with a gentle approach to life. But like all women, she gets cranky, she tends to worry and stress out unnecessarily, she's a bit of a gossip girl and she hates to feel uncomfortable. But through it all, she's a fighter and she's shown us many times over, that she's a survivor. I adore her with all of my heart.
So, my readers: is there a person you can think of that you'd like to emulate as you get older? Someone you revere and worship because they have thrived throughout the years? My suggestion is to keep him or her in your sights and hold them forever in your heart. Give them the attention, love and respect they deserve--because someday, kid, THAT WILL BE YOU. Be someone worth emulating. It'll do your body, mind and spirit a world of good.
Friday 14 June 2013
Have you lost your appreciation?
Following my yearly eye exam I had earlier this week, I left my doctor's office feeling woozy and out-of-sorts. My pupils had to be dilated during the examination and for several hours that followed, I was utterly dizzy, nauseous and off-balance. I started to think about certain aspects of my life that I still take for granted and only when I was back home and feeling safe, was I able to let my mind wander and really focus on what was truly important. That I have a home, clothing to wear, food to eat, a husband to love, family to admire and life to celebrate.
Which brings me to my 'rant' of the day; true appreciation for things, even when the going gets tough. Let me elaborate...
The expression, 'the grass is always greener on the other side', is no longer true in my world. I would never want to trade my problems with someone else's. I'd rather keep what I've got and make the most of it, thank you very much. Here is an example, just from this week alone...
This week at work, I chatted with several ladies about the concept of ageing gracefully. It was eye-opening, to say the least. While I found the chats to be somewhat enlightening, I was deeply saddened for some of these gals, as I heard their tales of 'woe-is-me'. Two of them were highlighting their complete disdain for certain parts of their bodies and it threw me for a bit of a loop. I couldn't figure out why these two perfectly fit and pretty ladies were so hard on themselves and why they allowed a small imperfection to spoil their outlook on life.
And then, it hit me when I was back at home, mulling it over. Universally, I think women (and men) would prefer to be validated on a regular basis by others, rather than have to boost their own egos themselves. I believe what we all see individually is NOT at all what others see as a whole. I believe that all the kudos, compliments, accolades and affirmations mean nothing, if the person hearing it doesn't believe any of it. What a shame, indeed.
You see, I was exactly like these two gals, once. I had a horrible outlook on life and my self-confidence was next to nil. If I were praised for a job well done, or complimented on my outfit, or envied for my natural hair color, nothing would penetrate the concrete wall I had built in my mind. I had lost my appreciation for the little things, which in retrospect, were really the important things.
How did it all happen, that society continues to drill mixed messages into our heads about how things should be? Why does the media have to be the driving force behind our value and self-worth as human beings? Well, it doesn't have to be that way, ever again. You can switch off that television, radio, loud-mouthed co-worker, negative friend, whiny family member, and so on. You don't have to play into all that fluff and nonsense.
Having a firm belief in yourself, a sincere appreciation for what you currently have and living your truth--that's what life is about. Taking time to literally smell the roses, having a solid friendship and family base, pure laughter, your health--have you lost appreciation for these things? We all do it and we all lose our way, sometimes. Some of us have the amazing ability to light our own fires and move onward, but a lot of us need booster shots from other sources. Use that energy and let it fuel you to reach higher than you ever thought you could.
I love the expression, 'happiness is an inside job'. In the end, no one can light the way for you. You have to appreciate the person you are today, to appreciate the person you will become tomorrow. Never lose sight of the big picture. The small, insignificant things will inevitably disappear into the cosmos, but the most vital things will last forever.
Go ahead and squeeze the juice out of life.
Which brings me to my 'rant' of the day; true appreciation for things, even when the going gets tough. Let me elaborate...
The expression, 'the grass is always greener on the other side', is no longer true in my world. I would never want to trade my problems with someone else's. I'd rather keep what I've got and make the most of it, thank you very much. Here is an example, just from this week alone...
This week at work, I chatted with several ladies about the concept of ageing gracefully. It was eye-opening, to say the least. While I found the chats to be somewhat enlightening, I was deeply saddened for some of these gals, as I heard their tales of 'woe-is-me'. Two of them were highlighting their complete disdain for certain parts of their bodies and it threw me for a bit of a loop. I couldn't figure out why these two perfectly fit and pretty ladies were so hard on themselves and why they allowed a small imperfection to spoil their outlook on life.
And then, it hit me when I was back at home, mulling it over. Universally, I think women (and men) would prefer to be validated on a regular basis by others, rather than have to boost their own egos themselves. I believe what we all see individually is NOT at all what others see as a whole. I believe that all the kudos, compliments, accolades and affirmations mean nothing, if the person hearing it doesn't believe any of it. What a shame, indeed.
You see, I was exactly like these two gals, once. I had a horrible outlook on life and my self-confidence was next to nil. If I were praised for a job well done, or complimented on my outfit, or envied for my natural hair color, nothing would penetrate the concrete wall I had built in my mind. I had lost my appreciation for the little things, which in retrospect, were really the important things.
How did it all happen, that society continues to drill mixed messages into our heads about how things should be? Why does the media have to be the driving force behind our value and self-worth as human beings? Well, it doesn't have to be that way, ever again. You can switch off that television, radio, loud-mouthed co-worker, negative friend, whiny family member, and so on. You don't have to play into all that fluff and nonsense.
Having a firm belief in yourself, a sincere appreciation for what you currently have and living your truth--that's what life is about. Taking time to literally smell the roses, having a solid friendship and family base, pure laughter, your health--have you lost appreciation for these things? We all do it and we all lose our way, sometimes. Some of us have the amazing ability to light our own fires and move onward, but a lot of us need booster shots from other sources. Use that energy and let it fuel you to reach higher than you ever thought you could.
I love the expression, 'happiness is an inside job'. In the end, no one can light the way for you. You have to appreciate the person you are today, to appreciate the person you will become tomorrow. Never lose sight of the big picture. The small, insignificant things will inevitably disappear into the cosmos, but the most vital things will last forever.
Go ahead and squeeze the juice out of life.
Monday 20 May 2013
Do you FEEL your age?
If you've read my most recent post entitled, 'What I know for sure', you'd know that turning another year older is something that I actually enjoy, rather than dread. Yesterday was my 41st birthday, and along with it, came some beautiful gifts, a few drinks, tasty food and time spent with family.
I suppose the only thing that really perplexes me about being 41, is that I don't look it or feel it. Many would say I'm lucky--who the heck wants to 'feel' their age, anyway? I think I'm blessed, really--I come from a fit family who always takes pride in eating healthfully and exercising regularly.
My father was an avid runner for most of his adult life. He used to run a mile in 6 minutes. My mother was a fitness instructor for over 25 years, and still conducts personal training sessions with her clients in their homes. Racquetball, squash and cycling were also activities my parents engaged in during the 80's and 90's. It's because of them that I feel so young and I hope to be the same kind of positive influence for my future child(ren), someday. You can bet your bottom dollar, I will strive for that.
So, here's how I feel, the day after turning 41:
* A relative said this to me in my 20's and it literally stuck: 'Your 40's will be the best years of your life'. Well so far, so great. I have zero interest in going back to my previous self and I can honestly say that my progress just this past year alone, has been huge.
* I've never looked forward to anything with so much zest, before. What has really helped me is a strong line of communication with the people I see the most. I never used to be big on opening up and displaying vulnerability. I've become a big softy and I'm optimistic about the future.
* It's nice to hear from others that I have 'good energy'. I get that a lot. Frankly, having energy is something that I need to constantly work on. What keeps me young and vibrant? A good sleeping schedule that I adhere to, a balanced diet (complete with copious amounts of chocolate), a work schedule that keeps me feeling fit and constantly creative, my awesome husband who always keeps me 'on my toes', and a supportive circle of friends and family.
The best advice I can offer to anyone: find your passion. It took me just over 30 years to hone in on mine. No one forced me to find it. When I felt 'enough was enough', I took control of myself with one mantra that, to this day, I continue to repeat whenever I feel 'off'. Strength comes in many forms, and I draw mine from focusing on the bigger picture. G-d bless the 'Don't Sweat the Small Stuff' series of books. If you've never read them, they are superb references that make you open your eyes all over again and focus on what's truly important.
Bottom line: If you ever find something in your life that makes you feel unstoppable, stick with it forever. Sure, it's just one component of your life, but if it makes you feel alive with GUSTO, hang on and never let go.
Take it from me, the 41-year-old. Squeeze the juice out of life.
Friday 10 May 2013
What I know for sure...
It's been a very interesting year, indeed. I'm on the verge of turning 41, and by golly, that number still throws me for a loop. Not because I'm sad about it; on the contrary, I'm rather happy about it. Unlike others, I don't want to turn the clock back. I'm pretty content in the skin I'm in.
The other day, I looked at my face in the mirror and I examined all of my facial freckles. I started to think: they're a compilation of all my years on the planet. My freckle-face has weathered storms, so to speak. I don't ever assume to know everything, but I certainly have developed a keen sense of self, just this year alone. After all the 'wear and tear', I have developed a short list of 10 things I know for sure:
1. My mother was right. About most things. Especially about matters of the heart. I don't know about anyone else reading this, but when I was dating, my mom instinctively knew which boys were well-intentioned and which ones weren't. She developed a 'guy-dar', so to speak...(I just made that up). And while I kicked and literally screamed in my 20's and 30's, I learned to tame my temper a little bit more in my 40's. Low and behold, when I started to dig the skin I was in, I attracted the right kind of guy.
2. Loving yourself through the bad and ugly times is just as integral as loving yourself in the good times. I used to suffer emotionally, because if ONE lousy person would say something to ruin my mood, my day would be shot. Not so, anymore. I believe that as soon as I hit 40, my mentality shifted gears. Ok, I still get a little hot-headed from time to time (give me a break, I'm a natural redhead), but I don't let my emotions overwhelm me or fester for too long. Life's too awesome for that nonsense.
3. Being a home owner has really made me smarten up in the best way possible. I really believe that my home is my safe haven and I lovingly care for it. I especially adore the feeling I get when I enter the front door each day. It has a fresh, clean linen smell that drives me wild. I've NEVER felt this way about any home/condo/apartment that I've ever lived in. Somehow, my current abode leaves an indelible mark in my mind and I'm in love (in more ways than one).
4. If you have read any of my previous posts, you'd know that I once suffered with major body image issues and an eating disorder. I cannot begin to express how grateful I am, to have permanently eliminated all negative feelings about exercise/food/my well-being. I chose a vocation that specializes in making people feel good about their bodies. Therefore, if you're going to walk the walk, you have to talk the talk.
5. Anger is a killer. And yes, for decades I let my anger get the best of me. What I know for sure is that if I could take it all back, I would in a heartbeat. In retrospect, I could have saved myself so many years of anguish and needless suffering. I guess things happen for a reason.
6. If you don't create things/events in your life to look forward to, you're merely existing. Living each day with verve--that's where it's at! I married a man who loves to plan ahead. He's like a kid in a candy store, really. It's quite endearing to see him get so giddy about wonderful things, like going out to restaurants, concerts, taking vacations and attending family events. All of his boundless enthusiasm has really worn off on me. And the best part is, I love that.
7. Sometimes, you just have to let go. You can't push or force things to be a certain way. Backing off is hard to do. Relinquishing control is just as challenging. And while we all want some semblance of control of our destiny, certain forces are still going to prevail and reign supreme. I've learned the hard way, that if it's supposed to come into your life, it will. No ifs, ands or buts.
8. The one element in my life that has always healed me through countless heartaches and heartbreaks: music. It really is the food of life, love and liberty. Sometimes I look up at the sky and wonder what life would be like without it, but I sure as hell don't want to find out. When I was in my 20's and feeling depressed, music was my best friend. And I don't know a single soul out there who would ever argue that music hasn't done something for their well-being. Music makes the world go round.
9. My extended family has become more important to me in my 40's, than they ever were in all of my existence. I have many cousins all over the world, and I don't ever want to lose my connection to them. Distance usually causes rifts, but I want to keep my bridges intact.
10. Heck, if your attitude is in-check, then turning another year older is a cinch. Sure, I have many regrets. Apparently, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. It all comes down to having a belief. For decades, my beliefs alluded me, but I found them, buried underneath a shitload of rubble. Thank goodness.
I hope I made you smile today. Thanks for reading.
The other day, I looked at my face in the mirror and I examined all of my facial freckles. I started to think: they're a compilation of all my years on the planet. My freckle-face has weathered storms, so to speak. I don't ever assume to know everything, but I certainly have developed a keen sense of self, just this year alone. After all the 'wear and tear', I have developed a short list of 10 things I know for sure:
1. My mother was right. About most things. Especially about matters of the heart. I don't know about anyone else reading this, but when I was dating, my mom instinctively knew which boys were well-intentioned and which ones weren't. She developed a 'guy-dar', so to speak...(I just made that up). And while I kicked and literally screamed in my 20's and 30's, I learned to tame my temper a little bit more in my 40's. Low and behold, when I started to dig the skin I was in, I attracted the right kind of guy.
2. Loving yourself through the bad and ugly times is just as integral as loving yourself in the good times. I used to suffer emotionally, because if ONE lousy person would say something to ruin my mood, my day would be shot. Not so, anymore. I believe that as soon as I hit 40, my mentality shifted gears. Ok, I still get a little hot-headed from time to time (give me a break, I'm a natural redhead), but I don't let my emotions overwhelm me or fester for too long. Life's too awesome for that nonsense.
3. Being a home owner has really made me smarten up in the best way possible. I really believe that my home is my safe haven and I lovingly care for it. I especially adore the feeling I get when I enter the front door each day. It has a fresh, clean linen smell that drives me wild. I've NEVER felt this way about any home/condo/apartment that I've ever lived in. Somehow, my current abode leaves an indelible mark in my mind and I'm in love (in more ways than one).
4. If you have read any of my previous posts, you'd know that I once suffered with major body image issues and an eating disorder. I cannot begin to express how grateful I am, to have permanently eliminated all negative feelings about exercise/food/my well-being. I chose a vocation that specializes in making people feel good about their bodies. Therefore, if you're going to walk the walk, you have to talk the talk.
5. Anger is a killer. And yes, for decades I let my anger get the best of me. What I know for sure is that if I could take it all back, I would in a heartbeat. In retrospect, I could have saved myself so many years of anguish and needless suffering. I guess things happen for a reason.
6. If you don't create things/events in your life to look forward to, you're merely existing. Living each day with verve--that's where it's at! I married a man who loves to plan ahead. He's like a kid in a candy store, really. It's quite endearing to see him get so giddy about wonderful things, like going out to restaurants, concerts, taking vacations and attending family events. All of his boundless enthusiasm has really worn off on me. And the best part is, I love that.
7. Sometimes, you just have to let go. You can't push or force things to be a certain way. Backing off is hard to do. Relinquishing control is just as challenging. And while we all want some semblance of control of our destiny, certain forces are still going to prevail and reign supreme. I've learned the hard way, that if it's supposed to come into your life, it will. No ifs, ands or buts.
8. The one element in my life that has always healed me through countless heartaches and heartbreaks: music. It really is the food of life, love and liberty. Sometimes I look up at the sky and wonder what life would be like without it, but I sure as hell don't want to find out. When I was in my 20's and feeling depressed, music was my best friend. And I don't know a single soul out there who would ever argue that music hasn't done something for their well-being. Music makes the world go round.
9. My extended family has become more important to me in my 40's, than they ever were in all of my existence. I have many cousins all over the world, and I don't ever want to lose my connection to them. Distance usually causes rifts, but I want to keep my bridges intact.
10. Heck, if your attitude is in-check, then turning another year older is a cinch. Sure, I have many regrets. Apparently, I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. It all comes down to having a belief. For decades, my beliefs alluded me, but I found them, buried underneath a shitload of rubble. Thank goodness.
I hope I made you smile today. Thanks for reading.
Tuesday 30 April 2013
GIVE YOURSELF A BOOST!
I made a boo-boo last week. I did something that, in retrospect, I shouldn't have. I will not divulge the incident that occurred to me but I will simply say this: if there's ever something that you have to say that may incriminate or expose someone or something, it's best to keep your mouth shut. Better to think it, than to express it in words. Better to step away from the computer to avoid writing something online that may be 'off-putting' to someone else, than to dig yourself a hole you can't get out of.
Now that a few days have passed since I've had time to mull over my error and breathe again, I feel so much better. Now that spring has finally shown its face, I'm in really good spirits. My energy is high. And I want to share a thought that's been running through my mind, lately.
While listening to the radio the other day, I heard the DJ on one of my favourite stations say that, 'everyone has a talent, a strength, something that they're really good at'. And while listening to that sentence, I became instantly aware that not only do I have a talent, but I have a strength AND something that I'm really good at. I believe I was born to be leader. I believe that because I am born under the sign of the bull, that I am resilient, loyal, stubborn and persistent. Since the tender age of 10, I've been really good at physical fitness and that has carried me into a career that I thrive in and adore. How lucky I am to be able to recognize that I have many areas in which I truly excel.
Which leads me to the people who live among us that don't consider themselves as lucky, as fortunate or as talented. And knowing that there are folks who walk among us at home, at work, at the gym, at social events that carry this burden, is a little sad. EVERYONE has something they're good at. I believe that, firmly.
What makes me better than anyone else? I am unique in my approach to life, but really, I'm just like you. Yes, you reading this. I'm human with a beating heart, with blood coarsing through my veins and a brain that never shuts off. The approach to life is what makes us or breaks us. If all someone does is walk around with a cloud over his/her head, isn't it safe to assume that he/she has diminished self-worth and a less-than-enthusiastic outlook on life? I have always said that getting a little sunshine and fresh air on a daily basis, is a great cure for what ails you. Get as much exposure as you can. Wear sunscreen. Walk often. Actually stop to smell the roses.
What makes *you* special? Everything. The way you talk, eat, sleep, interact, move, it's all amazing. But hey, I'm not the one who's supposed to fill you with sunshine. That's your job. You have to come to grips with the idea that you can't be good at everything. You have to take direction, sometimes. You have to be the submissive one. To be constantly domineering, arrogant, tough, magnanimous and full of yourself, is not cool. It's better to be humble than haughty.
And so, my readers, I urge you to halt any negative thoughts about yourself, your strengths, your talents. Swallow this pill: you do have a talent, you do have strength, you do have something you're good at. Don't believe it? Why, because you haven't been reassured by someone else, lately? Do you need convincing? Are you the type of person who needs constant feedback? Well, there's nothing wrong with that at all. But eventually, you have to be your own motivator and cheerleader. Don't always rely on others to bring you into the light and put you on a pedestal. Lift yourself up and rise into the person you already are. Faults and all.
So, what are you really afraid of?
The answer should be: nothing. Don't be afraid to fail. Just be afraid of never having made a concerted effort to be the best version of yourself.
Now that a few days have passed since I've had time to mull over my error and breathe again, I feel so much better. Now that spring has finally shown its face, I'm in really good spirits. My energy is high. And I want to share a thought that's been running through my mind, lately.
While listening to the radio the other day, I heard the DJ on one of my favourite stations say that, 'everyone has a talent, a strength, something that they're really good at'. And while listening to that sentence, I became instantly aware that not only do I have a talent, but I have a strength AND something that I'm really good at. I believe I was born to be leader. I believe that because I am born under the sign of the bull, that I am resilient, loyal, stubborn and persistent. Since the tender age of 10, I've been really good at physical fitness and that has carried me into a career that I thrive in and adore. How lucky I am to be able to recognize that I have many areas in which I truly excel.
Which leads me to the people who live among us that don't consider themselves as lucky, as fortunate or as talented. And knowing that there are folks who walk among us at home, at work, at the gym, at social events that carry this burden, is a little sad. EVERYONE has something they're good at. I believe that, firmly.
What makes me better than anyone else? I am unique in my approach to life, but really, I'm just like you. Yes, you reading this. I'm human with a beating heart, with blood coarsing through my veins and a brain that never shuts off. The approach to life is what makes us or breaks us. If all someone does is walk around with a cloud over his/her head, isn't it safe to assume that he/she has diminished self-worth and a less-than-enthusiastic outlook on life? I have always said that getting a little sunshine and fresh air on a daily basis, is a great cure for what ails you. Get as much exposure as you can. Wear sunscreen. Walk often. Actually stop to smell the roses.
What makes *you* special? Everything. The way you talk, eat, sleep, interact, move, it's all amazing. But hey, I'm not the one who's supposed to fill you with sunshine. That's your job. You have to come to grips with the idea that you can't be good at everything. You have to take direction, sometimes. You have to be the submissive one. To be constantly domineering, arrogant, tough, magnanimous and full of yourself, is not cool. It's better to be humble than haughty.
And so, my readers, I urge you to halt any negative thoughts about yourself, your strengths, your talents. Swallow this pill: you do have a talent, you do have strength, you do have something you're good at. Don't believe it? Why, because you haven't been reassured by someone else, lately? Do you need convincing? Are you the type of person who needs constant feedback? Well, there's nothing wrong with that at all. But eventually, you have to be your own motivator and cheerleader. Don't always rely on others to bring you into the light and put you on a pedestal. Lift yourself up and rise into the person you already are. Faults and all.
So, what are you really afraid of?
The answer should be: nothing. Don't be afraid to fail. Just be afraid of never having made a concerted effort to be the best version of yourself.
Sunday 17 March 2013
Move your own Mountain
I know a woman who at the age of 55, is still getting her menstrual cycle, hates her body (even though she's toned and fabulous) and obsesses about every morsel of food she eats. I know another 50 year old woman who weighs herself on her bathroom scale three times a day. And another woman I know in her late 70's, who works out for 5 hours a day. No word of a lie.
My goodness. Would you label these women as 'addictive personalities'? I sure as hell would. That any mature woman beyond the age of 50 would still go to any lengths to maintain her former frame is a bit scary. That self-acceptance is so hard to come by, that modifying one's lifestyle is pain-staking, that self-confidence is non-existent--it saddens me.
I've had lengthy discussions with all three of these women, and sometimes I feel that it's all for nought. I try to inspire them, change their perspectives, give them some booster shots. Like talking to a wall, I cannot make an impact. Here's where I throw my hands in the air and say, 'What can you do'?
Firstly: Step back, listen and observe. Don't try to be a hero. Sometimes people need to come around on their own willingly, without being coerced. You can be a shoulder to cry on, or a listening ear, but unless someone specifically asks you to help them conquer something, you have to lay off.
I have never been the type to just offer my opinions without being asked first. I cannot hurt someone's feelings outright, but it doesn't dismiss the fact that I care deeply for other women, especially since I've been through my own challenges and had some serious hurdles to jump over, during the course of my life. I want to tell these three women, that I've been through all of that shit--hating my body, exercising for 4 hours a day, suffering from bulimia, etc. But, I realize that all women must make their own discoveries, and come to an understanding about themselves without assistance. Sure, any book can tell you how to feel, what to do, and when to take action. But, how does one fully digest the idea of 'aging gracefully'?
It happens for some people, but not for all. I keep thinking that the three women I've highlighted at the beginning of this post may never change. Sounds like they're all stuck in one way or another and despite what anyone says to the contrary, they're beyond changing or restructuring their thoughts. The thing is, they are all fit, healthy and aware. They have immense power and capabilities. They have a keen sense of self and in my eyes, they're on top things. So, why do they sometimes crumble? Are they afraid of failure?
I certainly was. When I first started teaching fitness classes, I couldn't shake the idea that I had to look a certain way, because I was the one everyone was looking to for inspiration. I thought I always had to have the chiseled physique, the beaming confidence, the right outfit. Bull! All I needed was to be me and to accept my idiosyncrasies.
I am well aware that fear can stop anyone in their tracks. It can poison minds and linger for an eternity if an antidote isn't found. But for the women in particular who hate themselves because they're drooping, sagging, withering away or otherwise losing their vitality and youth - that always strikes a chord in me. I can't bury it in my psyche. Whenever a woman shares her innermost thoughts with me, I listen intently. I try to offer solace without coming across as a 'know-it-all'. I do know that obsessing about the body is damaging to the brain. That somehow all the incessant 'thinking' causes everything else to halt, freeze and lay dormant.
Wishing it away won't change things. It will have to change when self-acceptance becomes a ritual. The three women I speak of are all beautiful. They work hard to maintain what they have. But, they are still hurting. It's quite evident by the way they live. They need to let go and relinquish control. They need to let time take care of things without resistance and endless tears.
Bottom line: One has to move their own mountain. One can seek therapy, talk to loved ones, read self-help books, attend lectures or find any other temporary solution to find inner peace. The only answer you will find, will inevitably come from within and by the way, it's already there. You don't have to seek it out. It is alive and well, inside of you.
So, to the women reading this: Hold your head up high and be happy with what you have, because what you have is so much. And to the men: Put your women on pedestals. They do so much, yet think of themselves so little. Give them a well-deserved boost.
Everyone deserves to see the sun. Spring is approaching. Go get 'em, tiger.
My goodness. Would you label these women as 'addictive personalities'? I sure as hell would. That any mature woman beyond the age of 50 would still go to any lengths to maintain her former frame is a bit scary. That self-acceptance is so hard to come by, that modifying one's lifestyle is pain-staking, that self-confidence is non-existent--it saddens me.
I've had lengthy discussions with all three of these women, and sometimes I feel that it's all for nought. I try to inspire them, change their perspectives, give them some booster shots. Like talking to a wall, I cannot make an impact. Here's where I throw my hands in the air and say, 'What can you do'?
Firstly: Step back, listen and observe. Don't try to be a hero. Sometimes people need to come around on their own willingly, without being coerced. You can be a shoulder to cry on, or a listening ear, but unless someone specifically asks you to help them conquer something, you have to lay off.
I have never been the type to just offer my opinions without being asked first. I cannot hurt someone's feelings outright, but it doesn't dismiss the fact that I care deeply for other women, especially since I've been through my own challenges and had some serious hurdles to jump over, during the course of my life. I want to tell these three women, that I've been through all of that shit--hating my body, exercising for 4 hours a day, suffering from bulimia, etc. But, I realize that all women must make their own discoveries, and come to an understanding about themselves without assistance. Sure, any book can tell you how to feel, what to do, and when to take action. But, how does one fully digest the idea of 'aging gracefully'?
It happens for some people, but not for all. I keep thinking that the three women I've highlighted at the beginning of this post may never change. Sounds like they're all stuck in one way or another and despite what anyone says to the contrary, they're beyond changing or restructuring their thoughts. The thing is, they are all fit, healthy and aware. They have immense power and capabilities. They have a keen sense of self and in my eyes, they're on top things. So, why do they sometimes crumble? Are they afraid of failure?
I certainly was. When I first started teaching fitness classes, I couldn't shake the idea that I had to look a certain way, because I was the one everyone was looking to for inspiration. I thought I always had to have the chiseled physique, the beaming confidence, the right outfit. Bull! All I needed was to be me and to accept my idiosyncrasies.
I am well aware that fear can stop anyone in their tracks. It can poison minds and linger for an eternity if an antidote isn't found. But for the women in particular who hate themselves because they're drooping, sagging, withering away or otherwise losing their vitality and youth - that always strikes a chord in me. I can't bury it in my psyche. Whenever a woman shares her innermost thoughts with me, I listen intently. I try to offer solace without coming across as a 'know-it-all'. I do know that obsessing about the body is damaging to the brain. That somehow all the incessant 'thinking' causes everything else to halt, freeze and lay dormant.
Wishing it away won't change things. It will have to change when self-acceptance becomes a ritual. The three women I speak of are all beautiful. They work hard to maintain what they have. But, they are still hurting. It's quite evident by the way they live. They need to let go and relinquish control. They need to let time take care of things without resistance and endless tears.
Bottom line: One has to move their own mountain. One can seek therapy, talk to loved ones, read self-help books, attend lectures or find any other temporary solution to find inner peace. The only answer you will find, will inevitably come from within and by the way, it's already there. You don't have to seek it out. It is alive and well, inside of you.
So, to the women reading this: Hold your head up high and be happy with what you have, because what you have is so much. And to the men: Put your women on pedestals. They do so much, yet think of themselves so little. Give them a well-deserved boost.
Everyone deserves to see the sun. Spring is approaching. Go get 'em, tiger.
Wednesday 6 March 2013
Keep the sparkle
It is very rare that I have a full-day off, let alone have a day where I can do whatever I please, without an agenda. Because my work is all about the mind/body connection, it's refreshing to take one's foot off the gas, every now and then. Somehow with a whole day of leisure, I can refocus my attention on other parts of me that I otherwise neglect.
Like my connections to friends, for instance. I started off my day by popping in to say hello to a few people at their places of business. Once in a blue moon, I like to make things interesting by surprising people at work and exchanging stories. Today, I discussed a multitude of topics and a few in particular were rather eye-opening for me.
For instance, the idea of finding one's true path came up. It brought up a whole bunch of bittersweet memories for me, particularly because it took me an entire decade of trial and error to find my passion in life. I ended up sharing my story with a friend who was feeling rather unsettled and unsure of her direction and imparted some of my wisdom in order to ease her tension.
I will never forget being locked in a state of despair in my mid-20's. So many life-changing events were all happening at once, and I was desperate to rid myself of pain. I used to pray that the nights would never end, so I wouldn't have to see the light of day. What's ironic is that I suffered from insomnia for about a year. At certain times, I would walk around like a zombie, unable to think clearly or even put a sentence together. I felt so alone.
Whenever I tell my sad story, it seems hard for others to comprehend that I went through any hardships, at all. Most people know me to be bubbly, extroverted, and the complete opposite of shy. I impart words of wisdom on Facebook on a weekly basis. I teach people how to be healthy for a living. I thrive when I'm in the company of friends. I love meeting new people.
It's important, I think, to always 'keep the sparkle'. I remember an episode on 'Sex and the City', where Sarah Jessica Parker (Carrie) is having a chat with Chris Noth (Mr. Big) about working on the sparkle in their relationship. And it got me thinking: this is exactly what people should be doing, in nearly every facet of their lives. Truthfully, it's damn hard. It's a constant struggle to make everything hum. And sometimes, people rest on their laurels and get lax about their relationships. And often, that's where problems can arise.
I don't ever want to be accused of being dull. That's why I have tried for many years, to always approach life with gusto. In my work, it's my M.O. (modus operandi)..and I do it, because that's what I believe is a fresh approach to living. In relationships, when one is faced with varying personalities, it can be overwhelming at times. How do you handle it all?
'Keep the sparkle'--a term that can be used in virtually every life situation. Remember it, the next time you feel that something needs to change, or you need to spice things up. It doesn't just apply to people. It's relevant to future events and any feelings that may arise. It can be used for your own needs, interests and outlooks. Don't let yourself tarnish.
Think of the upcoming spring season as a way to polish up your life. Wipe away the sleet, snow and drudgery and welcome in the warmth of the sun. Always tweak and freshen your perspective. Shine on, your crazy diamonds.
Like my connections to friends, for instance. I started off my day by popping in to say hello to a few people at their places of business. Once in a blue moon, I like to make things interesting by surprising people at work and exchanging stories. Today, I discussed a multitude of topics and a few in particular were rather eye-opening for me.
For instance, the idea of finding one's true path came up. It brought up a whole bunch of bittersweet memories for me, particularly because it took me an entire decade of trial and error to find my passion in life. I ended up sharing my story with a friend who was feeling rather unsettled and unsure of her direction and imparted some of my wisdom in order to ease her tension.
I will never forget being locked in a state of despair in my mid-20's. So many life-changing events were all happening at once, and I was desperate to rid myself of pain. I used to pray that the nights would never end, so I wouldn't have to see the light of day. What's ironic is that I suffered from insomnia for about a year. At certain times, I would walk around like a zombie, unable to think clearly or even put a sentence together. I felt so alone.
Whenever I tell my sad story, it seems hard for others to comprehend that I went through any hardships, at all. Most people know me to be bubbly, extroverted, and the complete opposite of shy. I impart words of wisdom on Facebook on a weekly basis. I teach people how to be healthy for a living. I thrive when I'm in the company of friends. I love meeting new people.
It's important, I think, to always 'keep the sparkle'. I remember an episode on 'Sex and the City', where Sarah Jessica Parker (Carrie) is having a chat with Chris Noth (Mr. Big) about working on the sparkle in their relationship. And it got me thinking: this is exactly what people should be doing, in nearly every facet of their lives. Truthfully, it's damn hard. It's a constant struggle to make everything hum. And sometimes, people rest on their laurels and get lax about their relationships. And often, that's where problems can arise.
I don't ever want to be accused of being dull. That's why I have tried for many years, to always approach life with gusto. In my work, it's my M.O. (modus operandi)..and I do it, because that's what I believe is a fresh approach to living. In relationships, when one is faced with varying personalities, it can be overwhelming at times. How do you handle it all?
'Keep the sparkle'--a term that can be used in virtually every life situation. Remember it, the next time you feel that something needs to change, or you need to spice things up. It doesn't just apply to people. It's relevant to future events and any feelings that may arise. It can be used for your own needs, interests and outlooks. Don't let yourself tarnish.
Think of the upcoming spring season as a way to polish up your life. Wipe away the sleet, snow and drudgery and welcome in the warmth of the sun. Always tweak and freshen your perspective. Shine on, your crazy diamonds.
Monday 4 February 2013
It was 1999...
Yesterday, I located a notepad of mine that I haven't opened in 14 years. In it, I wrote many words of anguish and desperation, because in December of 1999, I suffered with an eating disorder. Bulimia was something that I used to wince at whenever I saw any reality shows depicting the disease. Women and men of ideal weight were purging their meals, causing tooth decay, digestive distress and many other symptoms too numerous to mention. Frighteningly, I was that girl.
I was thinking about writing this post for many months, but hesitated because I didn't want anyone to know my past suffering. But, I want to share a little bit with you, now. This is an excerpt taken from one of my journal entries, in the midst of my pain and distress:
December 13/99--Just got out of the bath. Feeling relaxed. I purged 3 times today. I ignored that voice. My throat aches and I feel disgusting just thinking about what I've done. I keep wondering when this will all end, this self-mutilating, out-of-control behaviour. I don't know why I do this; it doesn't make me happy, I don't seem to register that this is damaging to my body. I need some help.
I am so much smarter than this, but I can't control that voice. I'm afraid to tell my parents that I'm binging and purging.
And another entry, two days later:
December 15/99--I'm not OK. I purged again. This time, I felt possessed, like a force taking over my mind. I called Mom but I didn't tell her I vomited. Now I'm sipping some herbal tea. I can't continue this way, I have to make some calls tomorrow.
I cannot begin to describe what I meant when I wrote about 'the voice'. But in '99, I was timid and insecure and I was scared of my own shadow. I was living with my father at the time, and while he was at work all day, I took on this alter-ego, whereby I would look in the mirror and be unable to recognize the face staring back at me. I was gaunt, pale and had dark circles under my eyes. I was punishing myself for no reason and I hated myself for it. Maybe back then, purging my food was the only thing I could control because every other facet of my life was spiralling out of control, or so it seemed.
I always said to myself back then, that if I succeeded in battling this, I would make every effort to be an inspiration to other women and men in some capacity. As a fitness professional, I have preached to many people over the years that being a part of the health industry literally saved my life.
So, here we all are in 2013. Fourteen years after my battle with bulimia, I have never had a relapse, and what's even more amazing to me, is that I resisted getting professional help because I knew deep down that I could beat this myself. It was an incredible journey that I rarely share with anyone else, but I felt that I had to put my apprehension to rest. I'm glad I posted this--because if only one person reads this and finds comfort in knowing that they're not alone or they could help someone else that they love, then I've done a huge mitzvah.
One thing is for certain: I am happier than I've ever been. Sure, life has its rocky moments sometimes, but I would never resort to abusing my body the way I did in December of '99. I have worked relentlessly to build a strong body and mind, and when one has a fantastic support system and a sincere passion for a job they love, things just fall into place, almost effortlessly.
Thanks for reading.
I was thinking about writing this post for many months, but hesitated because I didn't want anyone to know my past suffering. But, I want to share a little bit with you, now. This is an excerpt taken from one of my journal entries, in the midst of my pain and distress:
December 13/99--Just got out of the bath. Feeling relaxed. I purged 3 times today. I ignored that voice. My throat aches and I feel disgusting just thinking about what I've done. I keep wondering when this will all end, this self-mutilating, out-of-control behaviour. I don't know why I do this; it doesn't make me happy, I don't seem to register that this is damaging to my body. I need some help.
I am so much smarter than this, but I can't control that voice. I'm afraid to tell my parents that I'm binging and purging.
And another entry, two days later:
December 15/99--I'm not OK. I purged again. This time, I felt possessed, like a force taking over my mind. I called Mom but I didn't tell her I vomited. Now I'm sipping some herbal tea. I can't continue this way, I have to make some calls tomorrow.
I cannot begin to describe what I meant when I wrote about 'the voice'. But in '99, I was timid and insecure and I was scared of my own shadow. I was living with my father at the time, and while he was at work all day, I took on this alter-ego, whereby I would look in the mirror and be unable to recognize the face staring back at me. I was gaunt, pale and had dark circles under my eyes. I was punishing myself for no reason and I hated myself for it. Maybe back then, purging my food was the only thing I could control because every other facet of my life was spiralling out of control, or so it seemed.
I always said to myself back then, that if I succeeded in battling this, I would make every effort to be an inspiration to other women and men in some capacity. As a fitness professional, I have preached to many people over the years that being a part of the health industry literally saved my life.
So, here we all are in 2013. Fourteen years after my battle with bulimia, I have never had a relapse, and what's even more amazing to me, is that I resisted getting professional help because I knew deep down that I could beat this myself. It was an incredible journey that I rarely share with anyone else, but I felt that I had to put my apprehension to rest. I'm glad I posted this--because if only one person reads this and finds comfort in knowing that they're not alone or they could help someone else that they love, then I've done a huge mitzvah.
One thing is for certain: I am happier than I've ever been. Sure, life has its rocky moments sometimes, but I would never resort to abusing my body the way I did in December of '99. I have worked relentlessly to build a strong body and mind, and when one has a fantastic support system and a sincere passion for a job they love, things just fall into place, almost effortlessly.
Thanks for reading.
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