Grief Management

Being wide awake at 3am isn't all it's cracked up to be.  Some people don't know why they're suddenly jolted out of a deep sleep, but today, I DO.  I hate how the subconscious mind wins every time. 
I may be a little vague with this particular post I'm about to share, but I trust that there will be a few concepts that you can probably relate to, as I go along.

It is said that positive thoughts translate to positive actions.  And the opposite is also true; if you take any negativity to bed with you, it'll likely translate into an interrupted slumber.  I've been carrying a weight around with me since my parents separated in the early 90's.  I always seem to think that I've nipped my troubles and sorrows in the bud, but when they resurface, it's as if all the hard work I've done to heal my soul vanishes.  I'm gripped with insecurities, my lower back seizes up, my eyes become blurry, my thoughts become laced with anger and resentment.

So, why in the world would I allow myself to slip, even for a moment?  Because human emotions are heavy, powerful forces.  And while I do allow myself to wallow in self-pity every once in awhile, it pains me that I can still be so deeply affected by events that happened to me almost 20 years ago.  When things are running smoothly in my life,  dark thoughts never enter my psyche.  The slightest curve ball thrown my way makes me want to escape from reality, avoid human contact and isolate myself in a room. 

I'll tell you what makes me irate.  Inconsistency.  Arrogance.  Lack of respect and humility.  And, when it happens 'close to home', it's even more upsetting and infuriating.  Putting up with anything that brings you down is a no-brainer--one shouldn't have to.

What's ironic is that I'm usually the 'go-to' girl for advice, solace and words of wisdom.  But, when I'm the one who suffers, all of those attributes seem to vanish.  I forget how much work I've done to get to this point, I negate every kind word that comes my way, I am gripped by sadness and at that moment, I'm inconsolable; I don't want to fight anymore or utter another word.  No one can bring me back to the surface, unless I swim to get there, myself. 

But, I'll tell you what helps me.  Music.  Movement.  Reflection.  Without these three elements, I wouldn't make it back in one piece.  I'd be a mere shell, walking the earth without a purpose, flailing in the wind without a direction.  If I didn't have the courage to pull myself back in or have the thought process to let the small stuff go, I'd be lost.  I'd be right back where I was 20 years ago.  And I never want to revisit that ugly, lifeless, gripping, twisted place again.

I bet you're reading this and wondering what the heck I'm trying to say.  Like, where is all this angst coming from;  how did I allow it to wash over me, stay in my bed, live in my heart, take over my thoughts? 

Because I'm weak and sometimes I crumble when shit hits the fan.  Because when anyone you care about hurts you, intentionally or not, it stings badly and leaves a mark.  The worst is when you have to look at it again, after a long hiatus.  I haven't rid myself of the garbage, clearly. 

The only time the garbage will be taken to the curb, is when you decide with absolute fortitude, to push forward through all the junk and rise above the massive pile to look at your sky, infinite with potential.  It's a superb feeling when you know where you stand, what you're capable of, where your heart lies, how your thoughts drive you forward instead of backward.  I know I possess strength and resilience.  I have fought through some tough battles and I've conquered some of my biggest phobias.  But, I don't want to allow another person, be it a family member, friend or stranger, to ever take hold of my emotions and ruin my day.  I want to learn how to push that crap down into the earth and stomp on it with my feet.  I want to smile knowing that it's not forgotten entirely; it's simply 'behind bars' for me to look at and visit, and then leave without feeling guilt or anguish, like a prisoner who committed a heinous crime for which there is no parole.

I do love my life and everything I've worked so tenaciously for.  I love the healing energy I give to other people.  I admire those who have struggled and then triumphed.  Because I am much like everyone I see walking the streets--vulnerable, fragile, born to live freely. 

Pain and suffering are a necessary part of what makes one appreciate all the good things in life. 
When faced with hard times, the key is to let the waves wash over you temporarily, and then dry yourself off and get back in the game.  Only after writing this do I understand that life really is too damn short to sweat the small stuff. 

Thanks for reading.